Becoming Us: New Life Birth Services Book Club

Written by Postpartum Doula Rebekah Martinez

Welcome to the New Life Birth Services Book Club, where our providers share their thoughts on some of their favorite prenatal, birth, postpartum, and parenting books! Today, postpartum doula Rebekah is sharing her review of the book Becoming Us. There are so many books to consider when you’re building your family. It can be hard to narrow down which books to prioritize, so we hope this series helps you choose which books to add to your library.

Becoming Us

Becoming Us by Elly Taylor is a guide for building and maintaining relationships during the big life change of having a baby.  Whether it’s your first baby or your fourth, there is a little something in this book for just about everyone.

FOR THE BIRTHING PARENT

“Value what you do. If you were working any other job 24/7 you would deserve time out, you wouldn’t be expected to do anything else at the same time and you would feel completely justified in rewarding yourself and being rewarded.”  Becoming Us normalizes a lot of the stigmatized struggles that a birthing parent experiences.  From mood swings to expectations of partners, and even “mom guilt”, this book talks the birthing partner through what they are experiencing and why.  It provides realistic, neutral advice for addressing those struggles and feelings.  It takes a holistic perspective that can help the birthing parent understand their own needs and emotions, process them, and find the courage to change their perspective or take action when necessary.

FOR THE PARTNER

“When you ask your husband to spend more time with the family you may also be asking him to step away from what is an important source of self-esteem for him at a time when he might be feeling otherwise unsure of himself. I am not saying this to put you off asking, just be mindful when you do.”  Becoming Us does a great job of talking the non-birthing parent through the ways they can navigate the birthing partner’s healing process and transition into parenthood, as well as their own.  This book takes everyone’s side and makes sure all members of the new family have a voice and sound advice for addressing their needs and supporting each other.  This comprehensive approach contributes to a more positive relationship between the entire family.

FOR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS

“I’ve always had a tricky relationship with my parents.  I’m worried how becoming a parent myself will affect me and my relationship with them.”  Although this book is really written for parents, I found that it could be useful for so many other family members, particularly grandparents.   It is no secret that sometimes new parents, experienced or inexperienced, might not feel properly supported by their families.  As someone who has experienced a tricky relationship with her own parents, I really appreciated the sections about grandparents and setting boundaries while still maintaining positive relationships with them. Becoming Us affirms the complexities and needs of the birthing family, but also provides sound perspectives on how these needs can be properly addressed and managed during such a vulnerable time.  It also reminds grandparents that parenting changes over time and that their children need the space and support to parent their own children in their own way.  

ADDRESSING INCLUSIVITY

This book most commonly uses the terms mom and dad or mom and partner to discuss each topic.  However, there are multiple sections where same-sex couples, adoptive parents, and other variations on the parent-infant relationship are mentioned and addressed.  Although the language may not be entirely inclusive throughout the book, most of the points addressed in Becoming Us are valid and do have the ability to be applied to nearly every family structure type that exists today.

FOR DOULAS

One of my favorite takeaways from Becoming Us is not only the reminder of all of the complexities and struggles that new families face, but how they can be worked through within a family.  Although doulas are not licensed counselors or therapists, perhaps our most important job is to be a figure of support throughout a family's birth or postpartum period.  As doulas, our birthing families may need someone to help process their emotions and to get sound advice when they request it.  Becoming Us not only provides great ideas and solutions, but reminds us as doulas of some of the challenges that birthing families face, whether or not we have experienced them ourselves.

OVERALL

In a nutshell, Becoming Us is sort of the “What to Expect: Relationship Edition”.  I would give the book 4.5 stars out of 5.  Although some topics and language lacked inclusivity, this book does a great job of advocating for birthing families and helping them feel heard and understood.  I would recommend Becoming Us for birthing families, non-birthing families such as adoptive families, and doulas, particularly postpartum doulas.