Knowing Your Worth While Parenting

Written by: Postpartum Doula & CLC Rebekah Martinez

It was only a few short months since returning to work from maternity leave with my first baby when I first heard one of Brené Brown’s Ted Talks. I was struggling with my confidence as a new mom. I had been on the mend from postpartum anxiety and we had just gotten the hang of our new life together. We finally figured out breastfeeding and I no longer felt like a zombie, but I still wasn’t great. I was hanging on and just getting through the day so I could get home to try to work on my relationship with my baby. 

And then, like magic, Brown’s Ted Talk “The Power of Vulnerability” popped up on YouTube. One statement still resonates with me to this day. I have paraphrased it and written it on countless sticky notes, whiteboards, and notepads as a constant reminder that I never knew I needed. The paraphrased version goes a little something like this: “We are imperfect. We are wired for struggle. But we are worthy of love and belonging.” I was brought to tears. Worthy? What is this word?

I had heard countless times that people should learn to value themselves and know their worth, but I had never really grasped the concept. As a child, my value was placed on my contribution to my family and to my community. How much did I help out? How much did I do? How much did I give to others? What did I do to make someone feel a certain way? Now, I need to say that I strongly believe in the power of giving and believe that it is a huge part of who I am. I probably wouldn’t be in birth work if that wasn’t true, but I was never taught that I can also be loved and valued for just being me. I was never taught that “unconditional” love meant it’s okay to not be perfect, to not always live up to a standard set by someone else.

My home as a child was strict and the expectations were high. I was often shown great disapproval, if not punished, for anything less than perfection. I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes, so I didn’t know how to cope when I actually made one. My relationships with both parents have rarely been smooth. Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that our household was on the highly conservative, extremely authoritarian side. One parent ruled with an iron fist and rarely showed emotion aside from anger. The other was overly involved, overly competitive, and was a master at underhanded jabs, comments, and judgements. Both yelled (a lot) and neither ever apologized. Looking back, I know they did the best they could, but it didn’t make our relationship or my childhood easier, and it certainly didn’t set the example of the kind of parent I wanted to be.

So when I had my daughter, all I could think about was being the picture-perfect mom. There’s that word again…perfect. And I thought the only way I could be worthy of her love was by emanating perfection, just as I had been taught as a child. I just had to be the perfect parent. I had no other choice. This impossible standard I set for myself created immense pressure and sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety, which manifested in anger and yelling, just as I had been taught as a child. I had done exactly what I had set out not to do. I started to feel unworthy and undeserving of such an important role. How could I ever be good enough for my little girl? How could I possibly keep her from growing up to hate or resent me? I felt like I was failing from the start and would never be able to prove my worthiness of her love and devotion.

Today, I’m here to tell you how incredibly wrong I was. I’m grateful that with a lot of support as I worked through these inner demons, my heart is now in a better place. If you find yourself on a similar journey, I hope yours will be too.

WE ARE IMPERFECT

Human beings, by nature, are not perfect. In fact, that is how we learn and grow. Everyone says “babies don’t come with a manual”, but every baby, every parent, and every family is different. Bringing that precious cargo home starts an inevitable journey of parents and children learning together from their mistakes. The first time we accidentally clip their nails too short. The first time they fall and bump their head or scrape their knee when we only looked away for one second. The first time we catch them coloring on the furniture or putting our jewelry in the toilet. The first time they break down in a full-on tantrum and you lose it and yell right back at them. But the important part is that we learn and we grow. We learn to apologize and learn to forgive. We learn to forgive them and to forgive ourselves. We are imperfect, and we are still worthy of love and belonging.

WE ARE WIRED FOR STRUGGLE

If you are one of the rare few that had perfect parents and little struggle, I am so glad that life has treated you kindly. Chances are, if you are reading this, that person is not you. Most of us had rough childhoods (or at least rough parts). We may have had poor relationships with one or both parents or a sibling. Some of us grew up surrounded by violence or abuse. Some of us have experienced inexplicable loss. Some of us come from broken homes and carry around broken hearts. Everyone has had a struggle or two, but we are strong. We are resilient. We use our experiences to become better, to become wiser. Our struggles help shape us, but they do not define us. What better defines us is how we overcome them. We all struggle, but that does not make us any less worthy of love or support. Would you tell a child who tripped and fell that they shouldn’t try to walk again? No. You hug them, you kiss them, you make sure their needs are taken care of, and then you encourage them to keep going. You don’t love them any less for it. Struggle doesn’t make you “less-than”. We are wired for struggle, and we are still worthy of love and belonging.

WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING

The hardest lesson I had to learn as a new parent was to have grace with myself. I will never be perfect, I can’t avoid struggle, but I love my children with my whole heart, and I tell them that every day through my words and actions. I still make mistakes and that’s okay. Besides, if my children don’t watch me make mistakes then I miss out on the opportunity to set an example for them. How do I show them how to learn from their own mistakes unless they watch me learn from mine? So, to all of you loving parents out there wondering…YOU ARE WORTHY. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to have grace with yourself, acknowledge your worth, allow others to love you as you are, and love and support others who are trying to do the same.